Final day of the cleanse

So here I am 4 1/2 days into no food or drink outside of water or juice. I'm in the final stretch of this five day cleanse and I did it. To be clear I may set the 'end' of my cleanse this evening and call it a success. Really what's the difference between Friday night and Saturday morning? So you wonder, what I have I learned in this process: 1) If I can do this, I have proven to myself that I am motivated to get my weight down and start taking control of my health. 2) I am still the person that can do whatever I want if I put my mind to it 3) I have gained a sense of accomplishment and I don't want it to end here 4) I need to step back and do some things for myself. I have been more productive in other areas because I feel better about myself. So again, where do I go from here. Well, I will always be me and me means having a good time and enjoying life. That means trying amazing and delicious food and drinks! That said, I am going to work toward more moderation. I'll work to pack breakfast and lunch and make dinners during the week. I'll do my best to get up in the morning and get in a little exercise. I will work to be at a more healthy weight and an overall more healthy person. No matter what though, I am not going to overhaul who I am and things I like to do to fit into some perfect model of health and fitness. I am just going to be who I want to be. That's a person who likes to laugh, experience new things (whether it be new food, new cities, new arts, a sporting event), and not feel bad about it. Sometimes I feel guilty for being me and that's silly. I'm perfectly fine with the person I am, but every now and again, every one can use a few tweaks:)

The cleanse

In all seriousness, I did actually start a cleanse. So essentially for 5 days I have chosen to skip food and supplement with pills/fiber. Yep, I'm cleaning out the old pipelines. The plan is to let this be a gateway to eat healthier and lose weight that I've been meaning to lose for a while. Overall, I refuse to go through another season where my clothes either don't fit or are begging to be unbuttoned at the end of the day. I think I'm finally done with a life confined in sweat pants after 6:00 pm. Here I am going on my second day of not eating and gulping down a sub par fiber drink with a bunch of pills. I don't think that would have been possible even a month ago for me personally. I have faith that I finally feel committed enough that I will succeed this time. My weight and I have been at odds with each other for quite some time. I first started weight watchers after college and it's been an up and down battle since. Right out of college, it was more an obsession than a matter of worrying about being healthy. I started an entry level job, was living with my parents and had not quite networked the area enough to have a riveting social life. I had all the time in the world to exercise, my mom made my meals for me, and I focused on it constantly. So, yes, I was pretty thin there for a while. So what happens next... my friends are all married, so no motivation to look good in a bridesmaid dress, work is not as low stress as it once was, so more focus on that and less on me, more focus on being married, more focus on being a mom. All of these things add up to me not wanting to cook after work so I can spend that with my husband and son and relax for a while before doing it again. I know inherantly that I have to change that. I have to be better for my family. Zachary deserves a healthy mom. So where am I now? Well, I'm going to start with this cleanse and work to be a person that I'm not disapppointed to see each day. I'm going to work to be healthier. I'm going to do what I do most days... try to be the best me I can be and hope that I can live that.

Balancing

So I so badly want to be one of those moms/wives that have it all together. Their kids look good, they look good, their house looks good. I know that no one is perfect, but man how do so many pull off the look of perfection. I feel like if I devote too much time to one area of my life then another gets neglected, but when I try to accomplish everything that I want, nothing is done quite right. Then I get to the point of thinking, nothing is great, so I think I'll just have a glass of wine, find someone trashy on TV and feel a little better about where I am. The problem with giving off the perception of perfection is that I'm too much of an open book, or maybe I whine too much to ever really pull it off. I'll ask someone how's it going and I get the standard response - kids are good, husband is good, job is good (and then the of course unsaid but fact that they look good). Someone asks me how it's going and they get - Zachary won't eat and he's stubborn as a mule and I don't know how to handle him sometimes, I left Eric at home for the weekend while I took Zachary on a trip and came back to dishes in the sink which annoyed me, my job is ok, but I had this guy yell at me the other day for something I didn't think was a big deal, but apparently it was, I don't really have any path right now to do something different internally, but I'm not sure that I can do the same job for the next 20 years (and then the of course unsaid but fact that I'm clearly not sticking to a diet, my hair isn't fixed, my make-up is almost rubbed and yes those are circles under my eyes). The person probably thinks to themself wow this chick is sort of a mess. So that leaves me to wonder, what's my next move to figure it all out. Well isn't it obvious - I'll start a cleanse Monday to jump start the looks department and that will motivate me to stick to dieting and surely having perfect hair and make-up will follow. Eric and I will have a heart to heart on why these little things bother me and it won't happen again. Zachary will start to understand that when I ask him to try new things, I think it'll be fun, it's not torture him and from here on out we'll be all smiles when we are in public. Finally, I will find a new opportunity at work to push for and it will go very well. It's a perfectly feasible, reasonable plan.

Losing it

So I'm the type of person that gets a random hair up my rear and I think I'm going to really kill it as a mom today. I'm really going to be awesome. We are going to get up and I'm going to take Zachary to 'school'. I call it school because it sounds better than daycare. Is it the same thing, yes, but do I get a sheet each day of what the learned, yes, so school it is. Then after school that's when I'm going to kill it. Like yesterday, I called up a new gymnastics place last week for a class last night. I'm thinking this will be great. Zachary is going to love this! We'll do gymnastics, I'll take pictures to confirm that this was a great idea, we'll stop at the grocery and he'll get a special treat for being so great, it is going to be epic! Epic it was, but not in any of the ways I intended. I knew it wasn't going to be great when they told me to have him take off his shoes and he refused. I knew it wasn't going to be great when all the other little kids were taking off their shoes and getting in line to go inside the class and Zachary wouldn't. I didn't know that it was going to go from not great to hell in less than 1 minute. As I calmly explained to Zachary that it's going to be fun and to get in line, he loudly explained to me that this wasn't going to happen. So as I see the scene getting out of control, I take him outside. Fresh air and some reasoning should do the trick. Fast forward to 5 minutes later, people staring, Zachary screaming and me red dragging him across the parking lot. He's yelling he doesn't want to leave and I say do you want to go in, and I get nothing. So now we are driving home, no grocery, no special treat and both of us crying. At this point, it has been made clear to me that I'm not a very nice person and apparently some things I say aren't very nice. I'm trying to make it clear to him that I'm not being nice because he's throwing a tantrum. I know deep down that he is 4 and I shouldn't be acting like he's at my level or vice versa but I'm going to accomplish something even if it's just winning this arguement. I did not. We get home and Eric takes over. Zachary calms down and says he's sorry and I start to think we'll just move on. So in an effort to not fully give up on doing something new, I decide today he tries Kraft macaroni and cheese at home. He will eat it only at applebees and famous dave's. Apparently they have the magic touch, but today he will try it at home. I think, we'll make it fun and I'll let him help me make it. He's excited and he's having fun. This is going to work. Today will not be a waste. Today will be a success on some level. We get to stirring in the ingredients, and I realize that we have no milk because that was on the list to get at the grocery after our fun time at gymnastics. That's okay, I'll improvise, I have dry milk in the pantry. I make some milk. The mac and cheese is done. I plate it up and Zachary is up to this point excited. I put it on the table and Zachary says I don't want this kind. What!?! Tantrum number 2 of the day is happening. Off to time out and Eric starting to lose his patience. Now he's taking away the trains. Zachary is distraught over the loss of his trains but manages to calm down and sit at the table. He refuses to eat for the next 45 minutes. Cars are now gone as well. Timer is set and once that goes off shower and straight to bed if he doesn't eat. Nothing. Timer beeps... hello tantrum number 3! Sticking to our guns he gets a shower and he's in bed. The screaming lasts for a while, but we are sticking to our plan. Finally we give in and go check on him. He calms down and goes to sleep. So, yeah, I really killed it as a mom.